Like a bridge over troubled waters…
That bridge up there? The one in the picture? I’ve stood on that bridge over and over throughout the past 36 years of my life. Each time has been an attempt at happiness in a way. Each time has been at a sort of crossroads in my life. So it’s not surprising that I find this particular picture meaningful.
This is probably the biggest and most life altering crossroads yet because this time I’m at the beginning of a divorce. After 15 years of marriage, 20 total years together, and 2 beautiful daughters, I find myself facing being ‘single’ for the first time since age 15. It’s a frightening yet exhilarating thought, this ability to recreate myself and my life. I have never lived alone…alone without parents or a husband. I have never had the freedom of doing pretty much whatever it is I feel like doing whenever I feel like doing it. Dance around the kitchen with Kenny Chesney turned all the way up? I can do it. Indulge in a glorious bubble bath in the evening? I can do it. Wear pajamas all day long and sketch little owls in my Moleskine? I can do that too. I found it’s the small things that make me feel the freedom so much more. That bring on that super woman/supermom like sense.
And then there’s the other side, the frightening dark side that comes when the realization of exactly what living alone means. The part where the panic starts to set in when it hits me that everything is on me. The part where I start to come to terms with the fact that if I don’t find a full-time job very soon, we may not be able to keep this house. The part where it’s cold and windy outside but I have to head out with the youngest to basketball practice because there isn’t anyone else here to take her. See, it’s also the little things which bring the sense of
panic. The sense of “i can’t possibly do this on my own’. The unforgiving sense of doubt about every decision I have ever made in my life.
I just keep thinking if I can get “over there”…across that bridge…one step at a time, one day at a time, handling whatever is thrown at us the best way I can, then I just might be ok finally.
My God I hope I can get over there someday.